Why don't you have kids yet!!???

The person that asks me the most why I have not had kids is the one that should know the reason why. At 12 years old I was playing mom to two younger brothers after my father left to create another family. I did the cooking, picking them up from school, changing diapers and making sure they were dressed while my mom worked. After a while I became the person that had to go to attend the parent-teacher meetings if the teacher didn’t speak English and try my hardest to attend their sporting events. So in my eyes I am done raising my kids at the good age of 28. I have gone through the custody trials by translating the documents and even having to go through the agony of having my father take my brothers away from us on Christmas day. I have seen the struggle in it all and no desire to repeat it again. I feel like as a woman I have to fulfill a duty to have children but I think of all that hard work that I have already partially gone through and I sigh. I have tried to show my brothers a good path by not doing drugs and attending college and despite that they have done what they wanted to do. I am literally exhausted by all that and childrearing is still going on despite the fact that they are grown boys. To think that if I have my own the pain of them someday trying a drug and not finishing high school will be intensified by a 1,000 just discourages me.  To even imagine that I may be the one saying awful things to my children also hurts. To hear from my mom that she wants to go back to El Salvador because we are not listening to her, although I am the one that has two jobs, graduated college and helped her with these boys, for lack of better words it just burns. I have already had a parent that left me for us not being “good children” if another one would like to take that plunge be my guest. But then don’t try to ask me why I don’t want to have children. In all honestly it just comes down to not wanting to hurt like that or instill that pain upon anyone else. Parents don’t burden your children with your problems let them enjoy their life. They did not ask to be here, you created them. If you do not have the means to raise kids and expect them to grown and take care of you simply don’t have any. I am not saying my mother is a bad mom. I think she was a great mom, she provided for us and we had everything we wanted. I just wish she would stop thinking that it did not affect me, because it did. The reason why I have an education and work is because of the responsibilities that my brothers did not have. Hence, the reasons they think responsibility does not exist. I have learned to deal with stressful situations in order to not burden others and think before I say something hurtful. I think I grew up a little too quickly and I am still waiting to discover if that was a good or bad thing. Things for me come a little bit more difficult, parenting and marriage have to be constantly be put under a microscope and analyzed. I wish I could just welcome them like many others do, but given my past it is very hard to do.

What are you running from?....

Absolutely nothing. If anything I am running towards something...a new future that is just above the horizon on a beautiful sunset Arizona morning. My desktop picture on my computer is of a road somewhere in Arizona that seems endless. I envision it every time I run and when I stare at it on my computer wish I could just jump in and keep running on it. I took up running after what I describe as, "my life shattering before my eyes.” In a previous blog I described myself as “dramatic” which is essentially the truth in every case especially this one. In retrospect it was just an incident that has opened my eyes to many things and allowed me the ability to embrace running like I never had before. Along the way on this endless road I shed a piece of skin that is left over from the me I was before. What I love more about this photograph is that for obvious reasons you only see what is up ahead. Nothing prior to that spot is in the picture, leaving me to think of Forrest Gump and his quote on his reason for running: "You got to put the past behind you before you could move on. And I think that's what my running was all about." The past is behind the photographer and the road up ahead is the only thing significant. Nobody has to run away from anything you just put it behind you and move on. In my case I literally ran and I have kept up with my running. I will complete my official first half next month and a full marathon in Feb. I ran my first 13.1 miles last night and didn’t finish till 1 a.m. I won’t lie some still pent up emotions still exist, but I keep telling myself save it for the end. I am dedicated to running just as much as I was into putting all the pieces back together as fast as I could. When, I spoke previously about my life piecing together I truly mean it. I took up running because it allowed me to not think about all the things that were going on in my life. It cleansed my mind and body unlike anything ever has. The main concern was just finishing up the mile up ahead and the accomplishment was all the tracks I left behind much like my life. I decided to do a marathon and coincidently it was in February. To put it in a nut shell it was when everything “went down” a year ago. I have been shedding a lot of skin through miles and miles of dirt, road, and grass. I will mark the day that I end that race as my final stage to the end of my shedding of skin and the last tears I will cry over that incident. I have not been running from anything but instead running towards everything that is up ahead. In February rest assure that the endless road will come to an end because that chapter will be done. I am sure there will be another road that I will have to run that seemingly endless journey sometime. Until, then I will just enjoy the scenery and my new self.

Nemesis

So, I have spoken of the prodigy that I am creating. Well no story like that can come without having a nemesis. A woman so horrible that is disguised with friendly smiles and tongue of sweet nothings. That, ladies and gentlemen are the worst of them all. I have dealt with this nemesis for nine years and in those years have seen the trouble she has sturred and have been the topic of many conversations and rumors. Seems I am the only one who has seen through her conniving ways. I cannot understand her intentions. I guess it is the same as the bad guy in every comic book. What creates these people to think that they are fooling anyone, and even more troubling to me, how are they fooling themselves? In one instance she was shocked to find out I did not believe in God. In my mind the disbelief came that she actually believed in it. Does her senile mind really think that the ways of her scandalous tongue will get her through  those "pearly gates" that everyone alludes to? I am no angel and I dont pretend to portray one. I have done everything in my power to be the best person I can humanly be. Do I succeed, no! Yet, I treat people how I would want to be treated and do not spread horrifying rumors about people and try to start trouble. If I dont like someone I simply keep our relationship to a minimum if need be and save us both the trouble. Yet, her constant "yes ma'ams" and "hello little lady" is enough to send me crimbing up the walls, jump down and put her in a choke hole to attempt to see if she could get through St. Peter's door, assuming that is who guards it. Of course this is only a play on words, but it leads me to stand firm on the belief of God himself. It's people like this that for the most part make up his following. People so crude they think that if he exists, when standing infront of him they can deceive "him". Well, I am no God and would never want to be, seeing that these are the people that would be in my corner. (Although, I do see how it relates to the creation of God, those people that are the rumor starters can be the truth for his whole existence. Yet I will save that theory for further thought.) What I have to say to this Nemesis of mine is I see right through you. Don't make remarks that allude to different things when you are really directing it at something you don't have the balls to say. If you were really all you claim to be use that sharp tongue to tell me how you really feel and don't back down and be a coward. Trust me, if it wasn't for the position I am in you would know everything I think of you with no reservation for words. I recite them as prayers before I go to sleep hoping you the best in your life but in hopes that your incomprehensible actions are far far away from me. April is only a a few months away....till then the boxed "to be continued" will remain in the bottom left hand corner Monday-Friday.

Prodigy

 So I know to say that "my prodigy is here" is saying way too much. One: because I do not know much of her abilities, but seem to think she is as astute as I was. Second: because implying that I am extrordinary is baffling yet to go with my "dramatica" nature I will go with it. The reason I bring this up is because I am training a new employee in my department. I will hopefully be getting promoted to a full-time position soon and I have nobody in my department that seems to be the least bit interested in it. I would like to leave someone in the postition that is willing to take as much care of it as I have in the past. Along, with that I would want someone to take my place that my boss does not have to babysit, in all honesty someone just like me. Well, low and behold in come this 18 yr old Latina straight out of high school yesterday to be a replacement. I was at first going to have her train with one of my employees but instead opted to make sure I train her myself. I sat down with her and she reminded me of myself when I first started at the company. Not only that, call me crazy, but I would like to say this is like an omen. She shares the same birthday as me, to many this not be a big deal but when I was first trained at the position she will be doing I had a trainer that shared my same birthday. He was a great employee and then tried to advance to be the supervisor of our department, which is the position I now hold. Many things conspired where he did not get the position because of favoritism. Things then fell into place and he accepted a job at another company. Yet, he left me with all the knowledge I can possibly hold to do a good job at what I was to do for the next 7 years. I do not know if I am jumping the gun, which I most often do, but I really do feel the hunger in her eyes to do a good job. Especially yesterday when I had her watch a computer based training video which included a quiz. I told her she didn't have to do the quiz, but she did it to challenge herself. She was halfway through the training when I stopped her and all the questions that she already answered had been correct. I will be training her out in the operation today, I am really excited but not only because of her. It seems like everything in my life has been turned upside down this year. But little by little things have unraveled to something that keeps getting better and better. This is part of that process, in which I am going to be leaving something behind again but will be at peace because I know it will be in good hands. Fingers crossed.