Electric Blankey

I have always had trouble sleeping. I have worked at UPS for 10 years and all those years have been spent in the evening shift that are from 6p.m. to 9p.m.  Ever since I can remember I have never been exhausted after work, despite the rigorous work we do moving boxes. Instead when I get home I am energetic and the last thing I want to do is go to sleep. For the past 10 years I would get off and usually go out. As I have started getting older when I get off I usually go home drink a beer and do things around the house or watch t.v. till 2a.m. I toss and turn and I have just gotten use to the idea that is how I will always operate until I leave UPS.

For Christmas my boyfriend bought me an electric blanket. He had one of his own and the moment I slept in it I was hooked. When I didn’t stay there I was tossing and turning in my bed dreaming of how nice it would be to be warm underneath it. I guess he figured since I loved it so much he would get me one. I am glad he did.

The difference with mine is that it is plush. If you sleep underneath it feels like you just covered yourself with a warm cloud, no joke! So, when I got it home and put it on my bed I just figured it would have the same effects that the other one does which just keeps me warm. Well, no it doesn’t it does much more. When I laid down ready to start my night of tossing and turning before going to sleep something happened. I did not toss and turn, instead I passed out. I woke up feeling like I never wanted to get up and I could definitely spend the rest of my life in my bed. Instead of dreaming of wanting to be at my BF’s house underneath his electric blanket I was hoping he wouldn’t call so I can stay in my apartment and sleep with my electric blankey. It was heaven and was sleeping well and everything was going fine until the morning came and I had to leave my cloud.

Now summer is almost here. I had to put away my blankey and just use my sheet and comforter. My restless nights have once again started up. Last night I tossed and turned for about 30 minutes and was wondering if it was just me and this infatuation with my blankey or if it really just comforted me. I got up and it was chilly so I decided to bring it back out. I connected it and slid underneath it. Once again, I passed out. So at this point I am willing to admit that I am the woman that has a blankey and a teddy bear on her bed and sleeps with her cats. If it wasn’t for me actually having a real life boyfriend I would consider myself a loser right about now.

Moral of the story is that this is the best gift ever.

Finished! 5:58:48.

It is over! No, not really. The goal of being in the Austin Marathon was to run the whole thing. Due to my injury I was told not to run for 6 months until my stress fracture healed. I did not run for two months due to the injury and was indecisive about running the marathon and getting a deferment till next year. Well the time of the marathon came and my best friend and friend (who also has an injury due to ligament in knee wearing out) told me we should still run it. The week before my run I cycled at the gym everyday trying to prepare myself as much as I could for this thing. Many people did not agree with this decision. But at this point there was nothing that I wanted more than to run.
The day before the marathon came and my stomach was in knots analyzing the situation and wondering if I was going to break my leg. I spent it picking up my packet (while biting my lip), watching t.v. (while biting my lip), and then ending it with a big meal of pasta at Olive Garden (while biting my lip between courses).
In the morning I just wanted to cry. I hoped that I would be okay and that my leg would just be good enough to help me finish and not cause any major damage to the point of never running again. I know in many people’s eyes the idea of running with such an injury is ridiculous. The overall health of my leg needed to be put into perspective. But if anyone understood how heavy my heartfelt I would hope they would understand. If they didn’t there was nothing else I could do about it because I was going to lift this pain that had been haunting me for a year today with or without their consent. I was shaking and teared up a couple of times on my way to downtown Austin.
I stretched and silently whispered to my leg to be on its best behavior. Making promises of never wearing heels again in hoped for a compromise. Hoping that just by sending good vibes to my dense bones it would magically heel and allow me to do all that I could without fear. The national anthem was sung and the clock started. Like a herd of cows similar to all the races I have participated we take off.
I was feeling so good! I was missing this part of my life that I had embraced. On mile three I started to slip back away from the girls. It was bad enough I had made the decision to run the least I can do is pace myself.  Running had never felt so good. I ran 10 straight miles before telling myself I need to conserve my energy.  I knew I wasn’t capable of running the whole thing. The idea was to do the best I could to finish. I could have gone longer but I decided not to. I walked for a while then ran. I made sure that I did not stop for too long.
After a while I my leg started hurting. It wasn’t in the same spot where my stress fracture was but lower around the ankle. I stopped and if I didn’t run for a while it would go away. Then if I started up again and tried to do more than one mile it would start hurting. For the rest of the race I ran one walked one ran one. It was all so encouraging when people along the way were cheering and providing food. So, I would like to believe that my leg was in tune to all this and was trying to put its best efforts in.
On mile 22 I started feeling discomfort when I ran even less than a mile. I walked mile twenty four and twenty five to make sure as hell I ran my 26.2 all the way to the finish line. I cannot say how many times I wanted to cry. All these emotions of not being able to run the whole thing, the people cheering and the pain that was happening both when I stopped due to the soreness already invading and my ankle. Coming up ahead was finally the 26 mile marker that I so anxiously wanted to see  25 miles back. As soon as I made my way to that marker I just ran. Let me tell you the Austin Marathon staff had no mercy on us marathoners. The few miles back before the 26 were nothing but flat streets. The last mile was hilly and right before you turned the corner to the finish line was a hill I curse to this day. I don’t know what it was but that last mile was so beautiful regardless of its obstacle. I turned the corner towards the Capitol and another towards south Congress to see the finish line in all its glory almost extending itself to me in an embrace. I know it sound corny but I have never been so relieved to see anything that mundane give me such relief. All I could think of was its over!!! I grabbed my metal and shirt and realized that it wasn’t over.
The goal was to run the whole marathon and that never including walking. Therefore, regardless of whether I said I would never do that again that day, that is not the truth. I HAVE to run the marathon again completely in order to live with myself. The pain inside my heart is gone I have managed to move on and realize that things happen because they just happen. You are a creator of your own destiny. The choice should always be to let things go and move on. At the other end of the finish line will always be something better. If not you can always take your Calcium pills, Glucosamine, and fish oil to make sure you reach the true finish line that will hopefully have what you have been seeking.
Austin Marathon 2012, see you soon. 

Ex's Seriously!

So, Christmas was not only a day to be with family but also the day my ex-bf's from the past decided to think of me. Here I am minding my own business living my life and they still manage to try to manipulate their life into mine.

The first one was a h.s. boyfriend that did something very horrible to me. I do not wish to speak of the specifics for the shear fact that I am over it. I do not wish him anything but the best, but what I do want is him out of my life in any way. I dealt with the situation at a very young age. I had to do something very difficult and his lack of support is everything I needed to know what type of person he is. That being said after high school he tried to contact me to apologize and I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. I understand he now has a family and is in the Army and I am very happy for him. So, to get back to the topic at hand I believe he called me at my mother's house and asked for me. My mom told him I wasnt there he said his name and told her to wish me a Merry Christmas. Gasp! Really, guy!? Is that necessary all I can think of is he needing to have me redeem him of his guilt. Yet I see none of that happening anytime ever. Some may think, okay so you are not over it, but yes I am. I do not feel the need to open this pandora box and the explosion of feelings that I have put away. Like I said they were dealt with at a very young age and I think I made the decisions necessary without his help and for me to do all the things I did by myself says a lot. Now if he feels guilty for the lack of effort he put into it then that is his burden to carry not mine. If he feels I need to forgive him now then he is talking to the wrong person. Because the only person that can do that for him is himself. I am alright with the situation I have no guilty or malice towards him. If he feels like a dark cloud is over him he needs to fix that himself. On to the next fool....

This was my high school sweetheart. We were together for 5 years. After a while though I started to notice that the things we did were all things he liked to do. If I wanted to do something I would do it by myself because he didnt want to do them. We were the best of friends and towards the end I realized that all the things we shared together were things he liked and everything I liked were non-existant. For goodness sakes if I wanted to go out he would let me go under the conditions that I bought him a new video game he could entertain himself with while I was gone. That was not the life I wanted to live any longer. I admit I was the girl that totally broke his heart. I never wanted to have that title but there was no way I could let myself be that girl...like Pau says "yo no soy esa mujer que no sale de casa y pone todo a tus pies lo mejor de su alma". I know he still loves me and cares for me like no other guy has but his tantrums are unbearable and it has put a strain in my stress level and relationships. I told him I would never stop being is best friend no matter who came along, but after a while if I could not make time for him to watch a game or get a bite to eat he would act like a child taking his cookie away. Start getting upset and making me feel guilty, if you ask me I dont think he has any right to treat me like that and I to put up with it. No friend should do that, thus the reason I slowly started to drift a wedge between our friendship and let him deal with his own tantrums so I wouldnt have to deal with them. The only thing in this equation was the fact that my mother loves him! She always speaks of how great he was and how she misses him . So the fact that he left a gift at my mother's house outside the door this Christmas Eve with a $50 gift card to Texas Land and Cattle ampted up my mom once again about this topic. I was really upset about this only because I knew what he was trying to do, basically come back into my life after the last crap he pulled because I did not attend a football game with him (something we both shared)..the fact that I told him that I was watching the game in my gear was not enough..he needed me there! Once again throwing the tantrum I let him have at it and this little papelito is another one of his ways to wedge himself back into my life. I am not having it. On to the next fool....

The good thing about this one is that he didn't call or text. The most recent bf that I had for 3 years that broke my heart this year was the only ex that did not call. I am profoundly happy for that. He text me on Thanksgiving and I never replied and I believe that he has gotten the hint. I do not intend to have him in my life and I wish him the best and I hope that he finds that person that makes him happy like I never could. I thought that I would never be able to say these words but here I am a better person and the happiest I've been in a long time.

Ex's have their place and I have tried the whole "being friends with your ex" thing. I do not think it works because regarless of the situation and how much you try, you keep reverting back to the past. Everytime you hang out you remember the good ol' days and wonder why it didnt happen. Some even continue to be friends with their ex's and cannot move on and question why they just cant try again. I do not think I am a bitch by not wanting these guys in my life... what I am doing is giving another  an equal opportunity to come into my life and offer me something that those couldnt. By keeping my ex around it would only strain that and keep me thinking about them and not allowing me to give myself completely to another. They are all great guys that will make someone VERY happy yet they could not make me happy and vice versa. We should just leave it at that say our goodbyes...C'est la vie.

Why don't you have kids yet!!???

The person that asks me the most why I have not had kids is the one that should know the reason why. At 12 years old I was playing mom to two younger brothers after my father left to create another family. I did the cooking, picking them up from school, changing diapers and making sure they were dressed while my mom worked. After a while I became the person that had to go to attend the parent-teacher meetings if the teacher didn’t speak English and try my hardest to attend their sporting events. So in my eyes I am done raising my kids at the good age of 28. I have gone through the custody trials by translating the documents and even having to go through the agony of having my father take my brothers away from us on Christmas day. I have seen the struggle in it all and no desire to repeat it again. I feel like as a woman I have to fulfill a duty to have children but I think of all that hard work that I have already partially gone through and I sigh. I have tried to show my brothers a good path by not doing drugs and attending college and despite that they have done what they wanted to do. I am literally exhausted by all that and childrearing is still going on despite the fact that they are grown boys. To think that if I have my own the pain of them someday trying a drug and not finishing high school will be intensified by a 1,000 just discourages me.  To even imagine that I may be the one saying awful things to my children also hurts. To hear from my mom that she wants to go back to El Salvador because we are not listening to her, although I am the one that has two jobs, graduated college and helped her with these boys, for lack of better words it just burns. I have already had a parent that left me for us not being “good children” if another one would like to take that plunge be my guest. But then don’t try to ask me why I don’t want to have children. In all honestly it just comes down to not wanting to hurt like that or instill that pain upon anyone else. Parents don’t burden your children with your problems let them enjoy their life. They did not ask to be here, you created them. If you do not have the means to raise kids and expect them to grown and take care of you simply don’t have any. I am not saying my mother is a bad mom. I think she was a great mom, she provided for us and we had everything we wanted. I just wish she would stop thinking that it did not affect me, because it did. The reason why I have an education and work is because of the responsibilities that my brothers did not have. Hence, the reasons they think responsibility does not exist. I have learned to deal with stressful situations in order to not burden others and think before I say something hurtful. I think I grew up a little too quickly and I am still waiting to discover if that was a good or bad thing. Things for me come a little bit more difficult, parenting and marriage have to be constantly be put under a microscope and analyzed. I wish I could just welcome them like many others do, but given my past it is very hard to do.

What are you running from?....

Absolutely nothing. If anything I am running towards something...a new future that is just above the horizon on a beautiful sunset Arizona morning. My desktop picture on my computer is of a road somewhere in Arizona that seems endless. I envision it every time I run and when I stare at it on my computer wish I could just jump in and keep running on it. I took up running after what I describe as, "my life shattering before my eyes.” In a previous blog I described myself as “dramatic” which is essentially the truth in every case especially this one. In retrospect it was just an incident that has opened my eyes to many things and allowed me the ability to embrace running like I never had before. Along the way on this endless road I shed a piece of skin that is left over from the me I was before. What I love more about this photograph is that for obvious reasons you only see what is up ahead. Nothing prior to that spot is in the picture, leaving me to think of Forrest Gump and his quote on his reason for running: "You got to put the past behind you before you could move on. And I think that's what my running was all about." The past is behind the photographer and the road up ahead is the only thing significant. Nobody has to run away from anything you just put it behind you and move on. In my case I literally ran and I have kept up with my running. I will complete my official first half next month and a full marathon in Feb. I ran my first 13.1 miles last night and didn’t finish till 1 a.m. I won’t lie some still pent up emotions still exist, but I keep telling myself save it for the end. I am dedicated to running just as much as I was into putting all the pieces back together as fast as I could. When, I spoke previously about my life piecing together I truly mean it. I took up running because it allowed me to not think about all the things that were going on in my life. It cleansed my mind and body unlike anything ever has. The main concern was just finishing up the mile up ahead and the accomplishment was all the tracks I left behind much like my life. I decided to do a marathon and coincidently it was in February. To put it in a nut shell it was when everything “went down” a year ago. I have been shedding a lot of skin through miles and miles of dirt, road, and grass. I will mark the day that I end that race as my final stage to the end of my shedding of skin and the last tears I will cry over that incident. I have not been running from anything but instead running towards everything that is up ahead. In February rest assure that the endless road will come to an end because that chapter will be done. I am sure there will be another road that I will have to run that seemingly endless journey sometime. Until, then I will just enjoy the scenery and my new self.

Nemesis

So, I have spoken of the prodigy that I am creating. Well no story like that can come without having a nemesis. A woman so horrible that is disguised with friendly smiles and tongue of sweet nothings. That, ladies and gentlemen are the worst of them all. I have dealt with this nemesis for nine years and in those years have seen the trouble she has sturred and have been the topic of many conversations and rumors. Seems I am the only one who has seen through her conniving ways. I cannot understand her intentions. I guess it is the same as the bad guy in every comic book. What creates these people to think that they are fooling anyone, and even more troubling to me, how are they fooling themselves? In one instance she was shocked to find out I did not believe in God. In my mind the disbelief came that she actually believed in it. Does her senile mind really think that the ways of her scandalous tongue will get her through  those "pearly gates" that everyone alludes to? I am no angel and I dont pretend to portray one. I have done everything in my power to be the best person I can humanly be. Do I succeed, no! Yet, I treat people how I would want to be treated and do not spread horrifying rumors about people and try to start trouble. If I dont like someone I simply keep our relationship to a minimum if need be and save us both the trouble. Yet, her constant "yes ma'ams" and "hello little lady" is enough to send me crimbing up the walls, jump down and put her in a choke hole to attempt to see if she could get through St. Peter's door, assuming that is who guards it. Of course this is only a play on words, but it leads me to stand firm on the belief of God himself. It's people like this that for the most part make up his following. People so crude they think that if he exists, when standing infront of him they can deceive "him". Well, I am no God and would never want to be, seeing that these are the people that would be in my corner. (Although, I do see how it relates to the creation of God, those people that are the rumor starters can be the truth for his whole existence. Yet I will save that theory for further thought.) What I have to say to this Nemesis of mine is I see right through you. Don't make remarks that allude to different things when you are really directing it at something you don't have the balls to say. If you were really all you claim to be use that sharp tongue to tell me how you really feel and don't back down and be a coward. Trust me, if it wasn't for the position I am in you would know everything I think of you with no reservation for words. I recite them as prayers before I go to sleep hoping you the best in your life but in hopes that your incomprehensible actions are far far away from me. April is only a a few months away....till then the boxed "to be continued" will remain in the bottom left hand corner Monday-Friday.

Prodigy

 So I know to say that "my prodigy is here" is saying way too much. One: because I do not know much of her abilities, but seem to think she is as astute as I was. Second: because implying that I am extrordinary is baffling yet to go with my "dramatica" nature I will go with it. The reason I bring this up is because I am training a new employee in my department. I will hopefully be getting promoted to a full-time position soon and I have nobody in my department that seems to be the least bit interested in it. I would like to leave someone in the postition that is willing to take as much care of it as I have in the past. Along, with that I would want someone to take my place that my boss does not have to babysit, in all honesty someone just like me. Well, low and behold in come this 18 yr old Latina straight out of high school yesterday to be a replacement. I was at first going to have her train with one of my employees but instead opted to make sure I train her myself. I sat down with her and she reminded me of myself when I first started at the company. Not only that, call me crazy, but I would like to say this is like an omen. She shares the same birthday as me, to many this not be a big deal but when I was first trained at the position she will be doing I had a trainer that shared my same birthday. He was a great employee and then tried to advance to be the supervisor of our department, which is the position I now hold. Many things conspired where he did not get the position because of favoritism. Things then fell into place and he accepted a job at another company. Yet, he left me with all the knowledge I can possibly hold to do a good job at what I was to do for the next 7 years. I do not know if I am jumping the gun, which I most often do, but I really do feel the hunger in her eyes to do a good job. Especially yesterday when I had her watch a computer based training video which included a quiz. I told her she didn't have to do the quiz, but she did it to challenge herself. She was halfway through the training when I stopped her and all the questions that she already answered had been correct. I will be training her out in the operation today, I am really excited but not only because of her. It seems like everything in my life has been turned upside down this year. But little by little things have unraveled to something that keeps getting better and better. This is part of that process, in which I am going to be leaving something behind again but will be at peace because I know it will be in good hands. Fingers crossed.