What else do you have if you can't give???

                                                                                   

So earlier this year I wrote about how my injury prevented me from training for the Austin Marathon. I talked about how I was going to redeem myself and run that thing again. Towards the middle of the year I decided there is no way I want to attempt it. Now there is more than a reason to do it. My friend Elda Hernandez got diagnosed with throat cancer after she signed up for the marathon. She cannot run it because she is going through chemotherapy and finds herself being really tired, therefore not allowing her to train. In her honor I have decided to run. If she has to endure the pain, anguish, and tiresome feeling of cancer I feel I should endure just a fraction of that just to show her I {Corazon} her. I will say it has not been easy trying to run and work at the same time. But I tell myself to shut up!! People complain day in and day out about their life, including myself. They throw pity parties for themselves on FB to conjure up comments from friends while those in real pain read on and just sigh. Prior to enduring her chemo she has to be on a strict diet of no salt or carbs. Can you imagine life without salt?! Well she has to. I work two jobs and feel exhausted, but I put myself through that. Her on the other hand feels exhausted and didn’t ask to be. I told her I would run in her honor with one condition: that she is there to cheer me on. Although we all know that the only one that will be doing the cheering for anyone is me for her. I wish I could train and little by little my steps can make this thing go away. I wish that I could finish those 26.2 miles and make the whole cancer disappear. I tell myself it worked on my heartache nearly 2 years ago why can’t it work on this. It’s just not that easy. Every year my best friend and I participate in the Race for the Cure. Every year we are presented with the Survivor tent and cheers for the people that make it. We try to be happy but we can’t help but think why couldn’t Jennifer’s mom have been one of them? People take for granted everything they have. It’s perfectly fine just give up a little once in a while. My roommate and I had this conversation right after the race. A recent pet peeve of mine has been people that run the races but don’t register, in other words don’t pay. I understand you have bills to pay but honestly I see that you are holding a top of the line cell phone and your Nike are looking pretty sweet. If you want to tell me about not having money well let’s go talk to the people that live with cancer and can’t pay for medical insurance then you can tell me all about your pity party. I rather get a loaf of bread and a rotisserie chicken so I can eat all week to have money to do a race. These organizations feed two hearts those of the runners who enjoy a good workout and ability to run on closed off streets and then a person battling with an unconceivable amount of pain just giving them hope and assurance that they are going be okay. I am not going to tell you that I am some sort of great person because I do this, because I am not. All I ask is to pay registration, because I am sure those beers and drinks you had a few days ago cost more than the registration fee. I missed the Turkey Trot this year after paying the fee but to me it was nothing knowing that my $20 helped raised $50,000+ for CARITAS of Austin. I started running in a selfish attempt to heal my pain. I have gained hope that I will be a small part of healing someone someday one registration fee at a time. And for those that say that you can’t make a difference I will tell you that I can be sure they would make more of a difference here than they would at the mall. In any case if you can’t afford to run, okay…but then have the heart to make sure your cousin, friend, co-worker needs a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes that’s the least you can do

First purple running toe….

So I have received my first purple running toe! It will probably lead to my first lost toenail, which happens to most runners. I am utterly excited about this tells me I am still an official runner. Due to this purple toe I have gained a new perspective that has made me realize I need to get in gear. The determination that I had before is almost nonexistent. I enjoy running but my pace time as decreased and my yearning to run varies from day to day. It is like pulling teeth trying to get me to run now. I tell myself I will run in the morning then I wake up and decide to go at night. By that time I am exhausted from working all day I put it off till the next day and the vicious cycle begins.

This purple toe was the cause of running on the treadmill for 10 miles without socks. I needed to train for the Chicago Half Marathon, forgot my socks and I knew that if I went home to get them I would not come out. So there I was with no socks at the gym and the only option was to run. So I ended up with a purple toe and here I am looking down at it and realizing that the toe was due to forgetfulness and not for hard work. For that I am extremely shameful. I don’t want to say I got my first purple toe because I am an idiot but because I trained for something I really enjoy.

I still really enjoy running. If I had more time and if my two jobs weren’t taking up all my time I would run more often. Of course I have always had two jobs and running was my ultimate 3^rd job for a long time. Yet, now something has changed. The pain is gone and happiness is what has replaced it. I always said I am extremely thankful for what running did to me. I vowed to never stop running because I only saw one way to give back for what it did to me, and that is to keep running.

I ran yesterday morning and I struggled. I don’t like that feeling. It’s a shame I ran 13.1 miles in 1:57 and cannot do 3 miles in less than 30 minutes. I look down at my toe and I feel it throbbing and saying to me what a sorry excuse for a runner I am. Although, it is also probably begging for a new pair of shoes, which is something else I definitely need to work on. I vow now and to anyone reading this that I will not have this purple toe in vain. I shall remain running from now on. I will go to my room when I get home and write on my bathroom mirror, “Purple toe not in vain” to remind me when I am trying to be lazy!

In Memory of Mohammed Sedqy

 (from left to right: Joey and Mohammed Sedqy, Kike and Adan Rodriguez)

With life comes the realization that it is often just one cluster f*** of senseless acts and evil people. Most people don’t get to witness hate at its worst or even darkness. The fact that life brought this to my brother’s forefront really pisses me off. I have spent all my life hoping and doing the best I can to shelter my brother’s from this, only for an ugly lifeless sorry excuse for a human to cause them pain by murdering their best friend. On September 13, 2011 Muhammad Sedqy was murdered in front of an east Austin home due to a conflict for a girl so selfish the devil himself would not want to wed. He was stabbed four times and the murderer fled and he later died at the hospital.

If you met Mohammad you would know he was a gem of a person. Always a smile on his face and if there was a difficult situation you can bet Mohammad would see light at the end of it. I would visit my mother every weekend after I moved out. I can bet that he would be across the street yelling out to me, “Hi, Vanessa” smiling from ear to ear. My brother’s had been friends with him since we moved into that neighborhood in 2001. Mohammad was Kike’s age and Joey was close to age with my younger brother Adan. The other one was David who lived a couple of houses down the street. If you came near them when they were having a conversation good luck trying to decipher what they were saying. They had so many inside jokes and lingo they had all together created their own language. These boys were the best of friends and it always made me so happy to know they had childhood friend just like I did growing up.

Ironically enough, he passed away the day I was in Chicago hanging out with my childhood friends, Roxann and Laura. I facebooked later that day that I cannot imagine the pain my brothers were feeling and knowing that never will they have the opportunity to take a trip with him just like I was doing at that very moment. I know life takes different turns and BFF’s that we wrote in letters ultimately fade to text messages of possibly planning a one year get together. If this taught me anything is that the people that make you the happiest should always be in your thoughts. Life is too short and things happen so don’t lose the chance to tell someone you love them.

Taking the life of a 23 year old is beyond my comprehension. Goes to show the theory of Locke is correct: “Man is by nature a social animal,” and “society creates order and grants the state legitimacy.” I strongly believe people are savages because they have the mindset to know right from wrong. Instead, laws have to be created to remind people that they cannot do those things. In this case such individual deems himself above the law and commits heinous crimes that affects many people including himself. I dislike people for many reasons and this is one of them. You never know how cruel they can be until you see what he is capable of. Both were someone’s child, lover, and friend. They were both loved but someone dearly and unfortunately the one that was defenseless lost his life while the other lost his freedom.

We love you Mohammed and you will be sorely missed. I will make sure to still say hello when I come over to my mom’s house as if you were still there.

Road Trip 2011

After coming back from my 2 week vacation I got the constant, “how was it?” The only logical way in describing it was, incredible. I cannot describe how amazing this two week vacation and on which level of amazing it all fell in. I definitely have to say that this was the best vacation I have ever taken only because nothing was off limits. We did everything we wanted and there was no time of “no I don’t feel like doing that right now” or anyone else holding us back from doing it. We definitely know our vacation style now and it is road trips and being in the great outdoors.

We started off on the road on Saturday around 1pm. The late start was due to wanting to celebrate my mom’s birthday before I went on vacation. I stopped by Barnes and Nobles to get a copy of The Help because when I got back my mom wanted to watch the movie. I had to make sure to read the book beforehand. Then our journey started soon after. It was perfect how it happened. If we would have left earlier it could have helped but then I would have missed all the stars in the sky at 2am and the darkness that fell upon New Mexico when we arrived. It was a pitch black that was not appreciated until the morning when I woke up to utter bliss and awe. I tear up just thinking about it because it was such a beauty to see and I wish I was there again now. We woke up and headed for a small tour around the pueblo. Oh and did I mention the temperature!? It was amazing! Coming from Texas seeing the temperature drop 10 degrees before your eyes was great! I had my hand out the window trying to remember what that temperature was like, none came to mind.

The rest of the time we spent driving around New Mexico and relaxing before my half marathon that I had planned that weekend. We visited Los Alamos, which was where the first atomic bomb was created. Santa Fe a beauty of a place with a shopping center called Old Town. Drove around in the Jeep with the top down and I didn’t care if my hair was a giant mess when we arrived back at the house.

The day of my half marathon was a cool brisk morning. It was a half marathon so not many people participated but it was still nice. I was super nervous because my pace was not a good one leading up to this half marathon and I had only ran twice leading up to the race. I think I did a good job though. I stopped only to get a drink and even though I wanted to stop so many times I didn’t. When I was done I received the best gift I could receive, Sam being there. It was just like a splash of cool air to see him cheering me on. As my boyfriend I can say he is definitely my best friend, my worst critic, and my demanding yet supportive coach. I burst into tears when I was done, as I do with many of my races, and so proud of myself. I was now ready to feel the pain that came along with not running and the subjecting myself to 13.1 miles, and so it began.

After the half we were ready to start the second part of our road trip. Destination Arizona, a peek into Utah, and a two day stay in Las Vegas. If any of this part was my favorite besides New Mexico, of course, it has to be Arizona. We planned a one night camping trip at the Grand Canyon and a tour into Utah to see Monument Valley. In Arizona we took a detour into Glen Canyon Dam and the most beautiful place I have ever been to, Horseshoe Bend.  We saw the sign and literally passed it and immediately turned around. We saw the postcard in the Visitor’s Center at Glen Canyon Dam but because we weren’t going to visit it because we thought it was far from where we were I didn’t buy it. That is what I regret the most of my entire trip. We thought it was going to be a short walk to over the hump only to see about a mile of sand to what looked to be where the Bend was. Let me tell you it was worth it. I have no words to describe it and all I can do is feel my eyes tear up…again, and feel the tingling inside of me just like when I saw it. We left there in utter awe just happy to be alive and to be there with each other. Now on to our next stop on the trip, the Grand Canyon.

This had to be the best drive anyone can ever take. It was remote driving through little towns with probably around 5 cars on the road the whole time we were on it. Mountains on each side and every time you take a curve you see a different side of the mountain and it takes a different shape. We were driving right to the Grand Canyon while the sun was in our face. It was like we were driving right into the sunset. Magical. Again, heading into the Grand Canyon we got in right when it was dark so we would have to set up our tent in the dark. Then also not knowing if one false step would have us fall in the depths of the Canyon itself!! When we missed the turn to the camp we had to do a U-turn. Going forward was a bit scary because it seemed we would go into a ditch or the Canyon!  We set up camp, made dinner, and drank Dos Equis with the full moon over us and just enjoyed the night. The weather was a cool 40 degrees!!! It was incredible! In the morning we woke up and headed to the Canyon which wasn’t too far. We got out of the truck headed to the edge and OMG!! You thought I was mystified by Horseshoe Bend?! This was incredible!! Seeing this first thing that came to mind was…and people still think that God exists!! This geological formation of beauty so intricate and enormous! I mean it was mindboggling and I was just incredibly reduced to size in an instant. I was crying with every step I took. We took two more hikes around the Canyon and then we had to leave to our next stop, Las Vegas, NV.

This part of the trip is going to be short. We spent two days there and Sam and I both wish we had cut it to one. We definitely agree that it was nice to go there experience it but we have no desire to return, unless subjected to it with a bachelor/bachelorette party. We ate at a fancy restaurant, hung out by the pool, walked the strip, and watched a Burlesque show. If there is anything to be said about Las Vegas it is that it’s expensive and you get all walks of life in a second in that city than you would think you would get anywhere else. Been there done that, check, move on!! If you want to know how I really feel, if I haven’t made a point of it already, the greater things in life are free and Vegas proved that. The entire trip we had spent no money due to just going on hikes, enjoying the sunsets on the porch, and just driving through towns with the windows down and purely enjoying things like Horseshoe Bend and Glen Canyon free of charge. We spent everything in Vegas without a single nickel being put into a slot! Ridiculous, but again different strokes for different folks and I would much rather hike up a mound to see the beauty of a formation than sit mindlessly in front of a slot in a smoky casino.

We headed back to New Mexico and the vacation was drawing to an end. I was growing sadder and sadder knowing I would leave soon and head back to the congestion of what Austin was becoming, the rudeness of people that are invading the city, and the heat of Texas that has come with no rain. We drew our stay to the last second and leaving on Sunday at 10am instead of the day before. The only good thing about the trip was that at 11pm at night in Texas we stopped on the side of the road because we were able to see the Milky Way in the sky. It was so humbling to see such a beautiful site before having to go back to the hustle and bustle of city life. I fell in love with New Mexico. Throughout the trip Sam and I have planned to live there soon. I have my heart and soul set on that and if anyone knows me they know that I make good on my goals and New Mexico will be my new home someday.

I wish I could tell you every single episode of our trip but with it comes things that I cannot describe in words and inside jokes that only Sam and I could find funny. We are now starting to plan Road Trip 2012 and we are spending every day hiking and camping. If we step foot in Nevada it will only be to camp in the Great Basin which is the darkest place in the country and perfect to see the whole night sky!!

With love from,

Cottonwood (Wolsie) Wash & Tucker Flat Wash

Backfire....

I am not going to deny that I would think my ideal match would be with a Latino man. The culture is similar and it is just so easy to fuse life together.  I won’t tell you that when I see a brown skinned man I turn my head the other way. With that said I thought I had it all figured out. Tamales for Christmas, our children would have Hispanic names, and the walls echoing with Spanish at parties. I never gave anyone of other cultures a chance because that is how I wanted my life to be. I didn’t want anything to ruin my ability to pass on the traditions of my culture. The struggling stories of how our ancestors came to the U.S.  and telling stories of La LLorona  in our native language. Then, it backfired.
I met this incredible Caucasian man. I have never dated a white guy because I have never been interested to see what they have to offer. If a white man passed right next to me I would not even bother to look. Yet, I will say that nobody has intrigued me more than he has.  I cannot begin to explain to you when this happened. It wasn’t right away, since this is not what I wanted I figured it would just be nice to hang out with this guy. I put him off a couple of times because I couldn’t get through the notion of wasting anyone’s time.  To me even having a drink is suggestive that you may be interested. I didn’t want any part of that. Then, I figured this was just going to be something I could have a good time with and nothing more. Then tell me how this turned into a relationship that has so far lasted 10 months!!! 
I have come to the realization that the reason why I adore him so much is not because he is white. It’s because he makes me laugh and that is the reason this has been able to flourish into what it is now. The first night we talked we literally talked until the sun came up about life, our beliefs, and work. He would of course tell you he doesn’t remember, but that’s another story. I have never been able to communicate with anyone on that level before. Most often the question has been among friends as to who talks the most and I would definitely have to say him, but I do not mind I can listen to him for hours.
Recently, we have become closer and closer. I revealed to him that he was not what I was expecting to be with but I am so happy he is here. And I truly am happy he is here with me. I have never received so much support, care and laughter from anyone thus far. If you see us together you would think that we are two dorks living in a nutty world full of SNATCH and Napoleon Dynamite quotes. He is my best friend and I can tell him everything under the sun. He does judge occasionally but it’s all in good fun.
There was a point in our life where we hit a “snatch” and we adjusted and got back on track. It hurts me to think that if we would have let that go we never would have realized what our life leading up to this point would be like. As we discussed that recently I think we have found a sense of security with each other. I have received more kisses and more winks than ever before. It is getting harder and harder to leave him in bed when I leave to work in the morning. And his white skin, blonde hair (with a mixture of grays), and blue eyes are the only thing I daydream about all day. He really threw me for a loop, but I am glad he did. I can’t tell you what the future holds because I have learned to expect the unexpected. I can only hope that I will continue waking up in his arms and get pleasure of serving him meals that don’t include any vegetables.
Epic Backfire *face palm*

My boys are grown.

I helped raise two handsome young men, my brothers.  Yet, what I regret more than anything is taking them for granted when they were younger. All I could remember is me screaming at them, pulling their hair, and hitting them because they would not listen. Now, if you ask them how I was with them they will tell you I was the best sister they can ever have. I feel terrible about that because I feel I wasn’t. As a young teenager the duties of having to take care of your younger bratty brothers was a nuisance. Yet, I wasn’t left with many choices. But I do not think I would change that for the world because it has made me the person that I am today.
This week I realized my baby brother was turning 20. The kid that sucked his thumb and pulled on his curly hair was no longer the baby that I fed and took care of. He is now a grown man, that although does not know where his life is headed, is still not my baby anymore. I cried for an hour realizing that I cannot turn back time. That nothing I can do will protect them from the world anymore. They are the ones that have to make those decisions, create their own life and deal with the consequences. I feared this day and now it is here.
I have recently started making sure I tell them how much I love them. Hugging them to make up for all those times I didn’t while they were younger. I know that they appreciate all the time I took care of them but somehow I still don’t think that was enough. They are the two men in my life that will love me unconditionally, help me when I am sad, and always be there when I move. Although, they do drive me up the wall my life would not be what it is if it wasn’t for them. They have always been like my children and it hurts to know that I cannot shield them from the world anymore. I have devoted my life to be a good example and although I have not succeeded I have lived my life for them. They are the best boys I can ever ask for. I am just waiting for the women to come in their lives that will ultimately take me and my mom’s place.
When I called and sang Happy Birthday on his voicemail he replied: I just heard your voicemail! I love you sis you are the world to me all three of ya’ll are. I cannot count how many times ya’ll have been there for me. I love you and I know I can always count on you and I look up to you and Enrique all the time. Ya’ll are great people to look up to and have taught me a lot. 
This is my greatest accomplishment.

Nemesis and Toby

                           

April is here and my Nemesis is still here .  The “to be continued” box has been further delayed to December. I can tell you one thing about December, I hate it. Some people think it is the most magical time of the year but it is a nightmare for various reasons. People are in panic mode due to last minute shopping, cooking and traveling. Not only that but it is COLD. For anyone that knows me they would agree when I say that I hate being cold. Of course others would say it does not get cold in Texas and to that I would say, DON’T JUDGE ME.
Back to the topic at hand, this time around I am loving December (sort of like I liked April). I have a good feeling about December and I hope that the best gift I get is Nemesis retiring to the underworld!!! I am sure that won’t happen quite like that but hopeful wishing never hurt anyone. For anyone that is trying to figure out how this would play out if it was a show all I can tell you is to watch the episode of The Office. If you are a fan of The Office you can then see what my life has been like with this Nemesis that I have spoken of before. If this part of my life was an actual episode it would be EXACTLY like the time Toby left to Costa Rica. For those of you who are not familiar with The Office, Michael is the manager and Toby is the HR representative for the office. Michael hates Toby solely because he believes Toby sucks out all the fun and makes “the office lame”. These are the actual feelings I have towards my own personal Toby, but in its case this person tears our team apart with her conniving ways.
 I can watch the episode over and over and know exactly how Michael feels. Unfortunately, Toby is nothing like my Nemesis because if that was the case things would be different. I love how Michael shows up to the office super early because he is so excited that it is Toby’s last day. I would do exactly that! My start time is 6 p.m. I would call into my morning job and show up instead to my evening job at 9 a.m. to make sure that I get everything I need to get done so I can solely enjoy the last day of its existence in my life. Although I wish that I could present her with the gift of a rock like Michael with a note that says “Suck on this” I am sure my boss would not allow that. I live vicariously through that episode day in and day out.  Michael has said some pretty mean things about Toby, but if I was to write them down and change it to be directed at my Toby I would not disagree.
 For example:
Michael: “Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry."
Me: “Nemesis is everything that is wrong with my international site.”
Michael: “I hate so much about the things that you choose to be"
Me: “I hate so much about the things that you choose to be"
Michael: “you are the worst human being ever”
Me: “you are the worst human being ever”
Well, similar to my story Toby was supposed to leave to Costa Rica (much like my Toby was supposed to retire). Instead, he gets injured in a zip line accident and has to come back. So you know that when I heard the news that it wasn’t going to be until December I reacted much like Michael did: horrified and screamed: “NNNNOOOOOOOO!” I am back at square one but unlike Michael I hope to be rid of my Toby soon.  I will plan a lavish party but it will only be a celebration of my renewed happiness!!!  I cannot wait until December and that is the one and only time you will hear that from me. Until, then I will be putting together my Party Planning Committee and hope we have enough money in the budget to have fireworks as the Nemesis drives away.